I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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