i permit you to call me
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Randomize
