I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Randomize
