sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
