she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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