Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
