i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
