There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
