Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
