Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
