Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
be right there i have to get my cape
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
