I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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