My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
