Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
