You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
