i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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