At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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