his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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