yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
