I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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