Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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