Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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