YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
