i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
