I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
