the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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