The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
