I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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