K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
God, I missed his penis.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
