Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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