I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
