Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
