we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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