Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
