Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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