You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
