8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
