I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
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oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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