Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
