our cab driver is having phone sex.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
