He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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