I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
