I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
