Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
