Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Actions speak louder than pants.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize