WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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