I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I'm sobbing to NWA
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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