Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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