I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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