you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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