and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
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do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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