...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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