Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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