Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
