My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You're like the curious george of whores
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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