It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
