I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
