he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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