it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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