Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
